Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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