Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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