Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
