My brain says no but my pants say off.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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