youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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