I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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