mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
