She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
