so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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