is your mom at the bar?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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