You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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