someone get that fucking seahorse.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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