its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
