I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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