You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
