I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
