If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
