My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
