i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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