I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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