the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
