how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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