is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
