cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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