Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
