it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
