She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
