well I can't set my house on fire every night
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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