hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
