I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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