I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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