I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
