I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
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If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
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