Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
