I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
