so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
