We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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