seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
