I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
