apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
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