Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She's the barista slut.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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