i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
