All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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