shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
