Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
