he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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