My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
