I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
why is half of my head shaved?
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