Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
