I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
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He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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