im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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