oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
