His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
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But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
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I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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