i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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