You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
