is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
