$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
